Русские глазами американцев. Уральские Пельмени 2016.12

Dear friends, now there is a satirical section in our program. All of you probably remember how Russians are portrayed in American films. These are some sort of simpletons, who usually drink heavily in earflaps and always speak with a monstrous accent.
 
So, Russians through the eyes of Americans in the series "Oh, those Russians."
 
— Oh-oh-oh, not a bad July, comrade!
 
— Greetings, Ivan!
 
— Hello, Yegor!
 
— Oh! Hard times!
 
— It's all because of the sanctions.
 
— Oh, those sanctions!
 
— Do you have some meldonium?
 
— Of course! How much do you need?
 
— Not much, five bags.
 
— You can take it over there under the balalaikas.
 
— Good! Oh, radio.
 
— Moscow time: very difficult.
 
— O! American jeans. How good they are, I will bring them to my wife!
 
— I'll bring it to mine!
 
— No, I will!
 
— No, I will!
 
— No, I will!
 
— Oh, damn! What kind of barbarians we are! Wild and dirty barbarians. We need to make our own industry, which means we need to make new technologies, to do everything.
 
— But when will we drink vodka then?
 
— Listen, there is a very beautiful car near the house. Is it yours?
 
— It's not. It's bought on credit.
 
— And this house?
 
—This is a mortgage, the house is not ours either.
 
— Then what is yours?
 
— Crimea is ours!
 
[applause]
 
— Tell me, why is there such a carpet hanging on the wall in every house?
 
— Because under every carpet is a plan to defeat the USA.
 
[laughing]
 
— The name is always there, but the plan itself is never present, why is that?
 
— Because America cannot be defeated. They are so strong and cool...
 
— And cute!
 
[laughing]
 
— Well, have you warmed?
 
[growling]
 
— Then go home.
 
— He-ge-gey!
 
[blizzard sounds]
 
— The weather is good on the street! Give me the Kalashnikov assault rifle, Ivan!
 
— For what?
 
— It's cold outside, minus million degrees.
 
[laughing]
 
— I'll shoot [my] leg to warm up!
 
— If you want to warm up - go to the bathhouse, there are two million plus degrees.
 
— What is this? Trash! Ha ha! I love Russian stupid games. It's good when the house is dirty!
 
— You are a real Russian pig.
 
— Thank you, comrade, I'll go eat the Amur tiger!
 
— Are you serious? There are only thirty of them left.
 
— Exactly! I must hurry!
 
[laughing]
 
— Have you read the new sanctions lists?
 
— Of course! I can’t understand one thing, why is Gazmanov here?
 
— He jumped so high that he violated American airspace.
 
— What are we going to do now?
 
— Don't worry, I have a cupboard full of grandmas.
 
— Hey! Little snowberry, snowberry, snowberry of mine, little raspberry in the garden...
 
— Listen, there’s one thing I don’t understand. Why are we not afraid of the USA then?
 
— Because as long as America thinks that we talk like this and live like this, we have nothing to be afraid of!
 
[music]